My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”