U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Oh, I bet you would be
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.