wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My safe word is Worcestershire
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.