*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.