Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Baller is short for ballerina
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
podcasts
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?