Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.