My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Milk Cube
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.