nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.