How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Twitter remains undefeated