My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?