[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.