i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
welp
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.