When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats