[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
So creative 😂
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
buying dead houseplants to save time
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?