Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell