I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Every photo I’m tagged in
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.