Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?