You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Danger is very dangerous
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
mood
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.