3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Born to be mild.