Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Oceanography is all about current events
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing