Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.