My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
so, is there a mister shapen head
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
This classic never gets old . . .
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?