Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
You Might Also Like
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf