Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I know
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows