Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)