Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi