Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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It鈥檚 almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don鈥檛 forget to point your toes!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
#DesignFail
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo鈥re you gonna finish that?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
employer: if you鈥檙e sick don鈥檛 come to work so you don鈥檛 spread the germs!
employee: i鈥檓 sick
employer: how sick?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.