Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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