“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution