Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings