10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
when you order from DoorDastardly
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”