I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.