“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.