it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
this is the greatest thing ever
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”