[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
#Caturday
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.