[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sunday
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
ouch
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses