All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
This rocks
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man