Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination