PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.