Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You Might Also Like
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
when someone rings the doorbell
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”