My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.