I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.