[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Happy weekend !
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.