Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.