me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m not proud
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.