My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Welcome
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one