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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.