burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You Might Also Like
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.