boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
i- i did not expect this
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking