Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”